I have a hard head but I am not a rhino

According to The Onion not only have I moved to Washington to be the President’s pet, but I’ve also skipped genus (or is it class or order – I’m still just a dog.  A ChaunceyDogTM and Chauncey-RooTM product, and The Most Interesting Dog In The World^XX, but still a dog) to become a RHINOCEROS.

Text of my note to the editor:

Dear Publisher Emeritus T. Herman Zweibel (look it up):

A recent article professed to state that I, as the only referenceable celebrity named Chauncey in the US and covered territories, have become a mere house pet.  In Washingon.  As a rhinoceros.

This article is defamatory.  And incorrect, to boot.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear (that’s the same president, right…I have problems with time, since…stay with me…I’M A RHINOCEROS wait – DOG, yeah, DOG).  I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the rhinoceros party.

It is true that some rooms I’ve “redecorated” have looked like a rhino went  through them, and I’ve had some veterinarians make disparaging remarks about my weight.  It is also true that I have a large tusk sticking out of my head.  Wait, no it’s not…   I am confident that you heard about these incidents, took some “creative liberty” with the facts, and – bang – I’m a rhinoceros.

I’m here to tell you that as the purveyor of news that is the primary source for current events for over 70% of Americans, you have a higher responsibility to the truth.  I expect you to hold to your own high standards. 

Always remember – If Chewbacca doesn’t make any sense, you must retract!

An immediate correction or retraction is required.  If not, I will take every option available to me through LegalZoom.com to remedy this situation.  I’m sure neither of us want that.

Respectfully,

Herr Dr. Prof. Chauncey Roo

PS – you can make this all of this magically disappear with an SEIU-sized hunk of stimulus money diverted (and converted to dog biscuits) into my Swiss bank account.  Actually, it’s more a hole in the bank of the Chicago river.  Call me for details…

Arf

Blah, blah, back in Chicago, blah, blah 60 hour car ride, blah, blah, thunderstorms and lightning making me piddle in the pan in my cage blah, blah, Blahck Blawks…  BACK OFF - Got a lot on my mind…  and......wait for it......     SHUT UP, MEG!

Hat tip to NOBODY – I do MY OWN research, plus, no one likes a Charlie in the box J

SSSShhhhhhh – There’s nothing going on here

The house is quiet lately – the dad is learning to fly, so he’s gone a lot. The young kid is playing basketball and baseball’s starting up again, piano and cello eat time, and he’s winning robotics or writing contests and such, so he’s never here.  The older kid’s started DI again (dear god in heaven, not DI again…) so he’s really never around.  The mom ditched everyone for a carefree weekend (or was it a year – dogs aren’t great with time) in Chicago with her girlfriends, so clearly she’s never here.

Do you see where I’m going here??  It’s just lovable old me left in a corner with nothing but a 20 foot rawhide chew bone to gnaw on and a luxurious gigantic new bed to sleep on.  Seems like something out of Soylent Green.  A quick pat on the head, maybe a quick run around the block, and then “See ‘ya, Chanuce”…  well a girl’s got feelings too, ya know.  Maybe I don’t like being left all alone on a Saturday night when Trishie cozies up with Roy Rogers (although I do love his roast beef sandwiches).

Quick recap of the last six months.

-          Kids have hundreds of events – dog left alone for days at a time

-          Family goes to FL for Xmas - dog left alone

-          Mom goes to Chicago – dog left with boys (worse than alone) – ever been used as a pillow by a 13 year old boy…yeah, I didn’t think so…

There are two really cool game trends lately – first - they’ve started playing Gears of War deathmatch as a way of showing how much they love each other, and try as he might, the oldest kid continually gets owned by the dad…it’s sad to watch him get so totally chain-sawed over and over…then there’s the crying…  second – they’re playing rod hockey (thanks for the pointer, Uncle Mike – not everything dad says about Red Sox fans must be true), again, the dad completely rules, but what, after all, is to be expected.  NOTE TO STUPID HUMANS – YES, YOU, YOU IDIOT, I see you hiding behind that tree – If you should, ahem, find some issue with the all-knowing Chaunceyrooishness of this paragraph, feel free to USE THE COMMENTS section…  Actually the boys are playing through the original Doom games (a real family bonding exercise) and little John is learning the wonders of the crowbar in HL2…  Thomas doesn’t game very much and that’s great – more time to play with ME !! 

Anyway – I’ve got access to a computer again, so we’re back in the saddle again (AC/DC isn’t my favorite, but sometimes you just gotta howl at the moon – wait, that’s a different guy…off to iTunes to waste more time…)

Arf.